You are the most important man in the world to your sons. And the most important educator.
The goal of this resource is:
To equip parents with pure information in preparation for puberty.
The physical information contained in this book is simply based upon your son’s need to know, his body clock and his age – not what the culture around us says he needs to know. What he needs is to be prepared for the coming changes and for good decision making. The best person to guide him is you, so what you teach and when you teach it is entirely up to you. You might even decide to transfer the knowledge he needs in conversation rather than written form and that too is just fine!
Much is in illustration form that will be up to you as to how much understanding is brought out. Perhaps rereading a year down the track might require more understanding than at the first go-round. I’m giving a guide – you’ll know how much more to add or not.
Contents of the pack:
Boy’s booklet
Parent booklet
Note to solo Mums
“Becoming a Man” supplement – a little more detail than you might feel he needs right now. Save it for a couple of years when his physical development is closer to the time it is needed. This is very individual and can’t be mandated by age alone.
Please read through everything contained in this package so you can decide in a completely informed way, when to go ahead with each stage.
Many of us feel caution about leaping in with all the information the world presents to us as necessary at such a young age. One of the founding aims of Purity Paradigm is to marry the innocence of childhood with the growth of wisdom.
MAT 10:16 (NIV) I am sending you out like sheep among wolves. Therefore be as shrewd as snakes and as innocent as doves.
RO 16:19b (NIV) ...I want you to be wise about what is good, and innocent about what is evil.
This booklet will begin to introduce some terms that help to introduce terms of moral context alongside terms of innocence… and I encourage you to do the same. There will be a number of samples along the way that illustrate how to think and reassess certain terms and descriptions a little more innocently.
The fact of the matter is we live in a sex obsessed culture in which it is difficult to live and raise children in purity… but we must do our utmost to protect, prepare and empower them. Part of this is simply knowing what God has to say about things. We can do this in ways that are truthful, accurate and give a platform for deepening understanding yet are innocent in terms of the imagery placed into the mind.
One of the most helpful parenting hints we’ve ever taken on board is to “begin with the end in mind”. This means we need to think about where we aim to go and assess each step along the way. Will it help? Might it hinder? Will it cause to stumble? (In imagination or action?)
Will our terms, descriptions, dress, behaviour, entertainment all take us in the direction of God’s desire for the purity of His children? (The short and the tall – them and us as parents!)
Whether we recognise it or not entertainment shapes our attitudes. When our boys have watched a movie with a fight scene – they’ll go bursting out onto the lawn mimicking the moves and shouting the dialogue.
Entertainment can have a much more subtle effect – especially where we who are Christians hold to a different life and moral base than that which Hollywood presents. While we cognitively reject the immorality of a film it goes to work shaping bodily response, emotional or physical comparison and discontent, and a host of other possibilities. May the way we live – including the ways our children are entertained – lead them in the way of Life.
Dad - Be the safe place to talk. Measure your reactions against the risk they have taken in sharing or asking; of themselves; of situations they find themselves in or exposed to; of friends. Answer in such a way they’ll choose to come to you again next time. Guard your tongue (what you say) and tone (how you say it)
Dad - Be available. Have spaces in your day and life where kids know they can approach you without fear of being seen as an interruption. Create habits of time together. As family. As one on one.
Dad – Picture your home and land... Anyone may come to knock on your front door. Some will be invited inside but only a very few go beyond the general living areas of the home. These are likened to the three worlds in which we all live – children included. The public, personal and private worlds. Each new depth is a privilege and only open by invitation. Respect it and treat it gently while you are there and when you go back to the public spaces of life. Don’t repeat their stuff in places it won’t get the gentle respect that it should.
Dad – Help him celebrate becoming a man! This is God’s appointed order and time for your son’s transition and He intended you to be beside him! Greet the changes with joy not dread! In freedom not shame! Anticipation not fear! Make an event of the first shave! Of attending the first church busy-bee as a real worker! (We recommend our resource “Passage of Blessing” for a host of ideas in which to celebrate the transition from child to adult).
Remember:
Children need to be occupied. Not just with TV and electronics but in ways that build skills, use energy, provide significance and achievement plus connect them to others in meaningful ways. Give them places to use their energy and direct their thought life.
Growing children need sleep! We could always tell when one of our littlies was having a growth spurt – extra sleep was always a side benefit! By the time adolescence arrives, their routines are very different than they were in childhood – later nights and set times to rise being the usual. As adolescents our kids may well need more sleep than the same child at a younger age. Watch how they are coping with life and see from time to time if the routine needs altering to allow for more time to sleep.
GODLY GOALS
Please spend some time considering Godly goals for your sons purity. It will make a difference in the day to day decisions you make! Have you considered what is right for your son in these areas?
Please spend some time thinking through the following section with your wife. Perhaps finish reading through the whole pack first and then come back to this. Don’t omit it – it’s too important!
BODY
PS 119:9 (NIV) How can a young man keep his way pure? By living according to your word.
PR 25:28 (NIV) Like a city whose walls are broken down is a man who lacks self-control.
2 PE 2:19b -for a man is a slave to whatever has mastered him.
EPH 6:1 Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. 2 "Honor your father and mother"--which is the first commandment with a promise-- 3 "that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth."
EPH 5:8-9 For you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Live as children of light (for the fruit of the light consists of all goodness, righteousness and truth) 10 and find out what pleases the Lord.
LK 18:15-16 People were also bringing babies to Jesus to have him touch them. When the disciples saw this, they rebuked them. But Jesus called the children to him and said, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these.
Job 14:4 Who can bring what is pure from the impure? No one!
Ro 12:9 Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good.
A word about your daughters
You are also the most important man in the world to your daughters – only being discharged by her marriage. But even married, she will unknowingly measure and appraise against who she knew you to be. Give her the gift of confidence and security that only a Dad can!
Accept, encourage, guard, protect, affirm, believe in, be an example to, release, and hold her!
Many go through life searching for significance but never recognising the most powerful place of influence on earth – that of their own life within their own home and with their own children. That influence exists whether good, bad or intentional. May it be Godly and good! May it be intentional!
A word about wives
Don’t leave your wives to have to try and fill your larger shoes. She will if she has to but they’ll be an odd fit. You are the one from whom your boy would benefit best from in learning how to be a man, husband, father, leader, friend, lover, servant.
BABIES
While puberty, sex and babies might be linked in our minds they are not necessarily in a child’s. We need to consider what their “NEED TO KNOW” is and whether the timing is right.
These kinds of discussions can go on for years as they make the natural transitions from gathering information - to curiosity and questioning - to full comprehension.
Let them put the pieces together as their minds and hearts become ready to comprehend. We don’t rush learning in any other capacity before a child is ready to comprehend… sexual matters are NOT equal to maths or English where only intellect is required for understanding… there are moral and spiritual and emotional considerations as well as the physical which today is exalted above all else.
CHANGES IN THE OTHER GENDER
Again considering a child’s “need to know” will help determine whether a child of one gender needs to know about any changes to the other.
A WORD ABOUT SCHOOL SEX ED
Parents need to be proactive in finding out what their school is teaching in regard to sex education. Mostly this will come under the banner of Health but matters pertaining to sexuality can emerge through almost every other High School subject other than maths! Don’t assume nothing is happening just because you might not have been informed. Some Primary schools begin introducing related topics in the early years so it really needs to be a question you ask. Ask to see the program or unit and go right through it to decide if it matches your family’s moral base and heart for purity in mind as well as body. Whether or not your child/young person participates in the Health Ed/Sex Ed classes, you need to work at keeping communication lines open, building good things in to them and helping them process the things which are/may be defiling.
Finally
We encourage you to think through your goals for your son’s purity and go back and fill in the goal portion of this booklet when you finish reading. Do you expect and desire for him to be pure in mind and body? How are you helping him get there? Have you dealt/are dealing with your own baggage so as to leave you free and fearless in discussions with your boys? Are you living your life and shaping his in ways to help him live in purity and know God’s heart and forgiveness along the way?
What safeguards and practices are you putting into the nurture of relationship with your son? The most powerful way to transfer values is not in a booklet or seminar… but through love, relationship and influence.
Point summary
Grow your relationship
Begin as you mean to go (dress, entertainment, goals)
Use terms with moral context or implication with innocent and general definitions
Substitute specific terms with discussion of the Godly replacement behaviour
Be the ‘safe place’ for them to talk
Respect their public, personal and private worlds
Guard your tongue and tone
Be available and prove it
Celebrate
We suggest reading the father/son booklet aloud together at least once and then perhaps in another 6 and 12 months time. Mark it on your calendar! The illustrations and picture language will develop depth over the course of time and with each reading.
Please take time to wander down the trails of his thinking – you never know what he’s been waiting for opportunity to share with you.
