Several weekends back our Year 10 (nearly 15) son mentioned he was to be involved in a debate on ‘sex before marriage’. To my relief he was to be speaking against this (he’s a born debater) and he asked to have a chat or be given some information to read.
The following table contains the points I jotted down for him over that day.
Before reading the points I advised him to appeal to the other kids’ HEARTS more than to their logic. Ultimately we all decide out of what is in the heart - be it right or wrong – and our hearts can make us defy logic that’s right because it is simply what we want in the moment. In appealing to a heart we do give information… logical yes, but more empowering than logic/information alone.
Logic can be understood very quickly – a heart is harder to change than a mind.
For parents reading this – some of you may be surprised at the frankness of some of some of these points, being that I speak a lot about the ‘method matching the message’. Please note there is very little in the table below regarding ‘mechanics’ and far more regarding ‘dynamics’ and there are a lot of additional considerations to marry up with the principle of “the method must match the message”…
Age
Moral maturity
Need to know
Context of the situation (including appropriateness and effectiveness of
relationship)
Context of the young persons exposure to things of the world
The context of the world in which they live and move each day
The need for innocence to merge with moral understanding and wisdom
I feel the following information is very appropriate if a teen is or has:
1 A viewer of TV that contains any level (mild and upward) of sexual reference
2 A movie go-er of PG, M, MA (etc?) movies that contains any level of sexual
reference
Participated in Sex Ed at school
Been affected by porn
Mixes with others who are affected by porn
Non Christian or Christian friends that do not share a view of purity/abstinence
A desire to be culturally relevant and effective among their peers
14-15 is the age where…
25% of their friends are no longer virgins. This will increase to 50% by the end of year 12.
80% of their friends are sexually active to one degree or another
The first of their friends may confide they are considering/have begun sleeping with their boyfriends/girlfriends
The first of their friends may confide they are considering/have had an abortion
Their friends are involved in the media of the day and will be talking about what they see – even if your child does not see the same media they’ll be hearing about it and the spoken word holds the same potential for harm as an image viewed.
Unprecedented numbers of teens are impacted by porn
Will our kids be equipped – for their own choices in such a world of persuasion and temptation? And be prepared to minister truthfully and compassionately as salt and light among their peers?
The above dot points above do not negate ‘the method matching the message’ but give dimension and perspective to it. If this information goes further than your child needs yet… just read it for possible future reference sake. I think most of the really significant things in family life come through doing life together and through conversational spontaneity - so it doesn’t hurt to be prepared.
Underpinning such a topic as abstinence within our own home - we have discussed the fact that being a virgin at marriage is not God’s heart for us. (To our son… “statements such as this are called provocation”) Being pure is. The reasons for purity are more and deeper than the reasons for just being abstinent.
Abstinent till marriage is open-ended, leaving “how far can I go” as the next area of opinion and debate.
Being pure till marriage is not the converse of “abstinent till marriage’ either.
Purity is for the whole of life, whether married or single. Purity will include abstinence or not – depending on the covenant status. Impurity in marriage carries the potential to kill the marriage and can certainly kill love, respect, response, desire and eros as God designed it. A reason I see “pure for life” as the converse of “abstinent till marriage” is that it also encompasses repentance, forgiveness and restoration. Every one of use is infused with the inclination towards sin… commits acts of sin (including justifying to ourselves what we have not done) and lives with the consequences of sin – others towards us, and us towards others. Praise God for His provision to be pure under the blood of Jesus. Abstinent is our action only. Purity includes the reciprocal nature of our relationship with God.
I asked our son how long he had to speak… “Five minutes” was the reply. This first idea would be very risky (as far as being a debating tactic goes I said) but you could (I said) hop up and say something like “Because God says” and stand there in silence for the remaining 4 minutes and 58 seconds. However, this is not a ‘good enough’ answer unless you already have a heart to live God’s way – and even then we need equipping, encouraging and empowering. (How many in a room full of Christian married couples in their 20’s to 50’s could say they entered marriage either abstinent or pure?)
I did not bother to bring in the usual arguments about STD’s and pregnancy except where there was an additional lesser known point to be made by doing so. Also please remember this is a list of arguments AGAINST sex before marriage – a similar list on purity for life would include all these points but a great many more besides. Also that this is a list of points that I felt would make sense in the lives of 15 year olds – not a Biblical exposition in any way complete. If you have additional points, please send them to me and I can make it all available on the Purity Paradigm website which is currently under construction.
Argument for sex out of marriage: “The Bible never say’s you can’t have sex outside of marriage”.
Rebuttal: This is true. (“Provocation”) The Bible does not – at least not in those exact terms. Neither is it written in precise terms (that our culture recognises easily) that Jesus claimed to be God (crime of blasphemy) yet this was the reason He was sentenced to death. It is said… just not in those exact words. (Jesus did say “I Am that I Am”: being that Hebrews referred to God as “The Great I Am” – they recognised His claim.) God calls sex outside of marriage a few different things. Fornication and adultery for starters.
God does say:
“not to awaken love until the right time” (meaning there is a RIGHT time – not just when we feel like it) SoS 2:7 “honour the marriage bed and keep it pure” Hebrews:4
“Keep yourselves pure” 1 Tim 5:22 and hat
“no fornicator… has an inheritance in the Kingdom of God” Ephesians 5:5-7
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Argument for sex out of marriage: “You have to have sex first to see if you’re compatible”. (Try before you buy)
Rebuttal: This is a fallacy for many reasons. First nothing in life is free. Just try taking a couch from a furniture store on a ‘try before you buy’ scheme. They want to know everything there is to know about you in the process to gain approval for this. “Try before you buy” means it will cost you more further down the track than if you waited and saved up.
Try taking this couch back after using it and deciding you don’t like it. No chance.
“Try before you buy” sounds ‘fine’ unless you are the one being rejected and returned as faulty merchandise. On that side of the coin it feels like betrayal. Why? Because it is betrayal.
“Try before you buy” means you have an undetermined time in which to prove yourself a worthy partner. It is a wise pre-marriage counsellor that tells a couple sex may not be all they expect and hope for in the beginning. (And that it will not be what the media portrays it to be). Covenant marriage means you have your whole lives to learn and grow together without the pressure of a timer going off and declaring ‘time’s up’.
“Try before you buy” people are also those who think you need to upgrade to the latest model. This too sounds ‘fine’ unless you are the model being traded in. You just might be the one who gets dumped than the one doing the dumping!
Sexually pure people don’t put expectations, requirements, performance checks and comparisons from one person to another. Marrying someone sexually pure means you never need fear those expectations, requirements, performance checks and comparisons.
For what reasons might the model need updating? Age? Wrinkles? Weight gain? Stresses? Lack of enjoyment? Injury? Illness?
Don’t we all want someone who will promise to love us “for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, till death us do part”?
This implies some are unworthy of enduring love and marriage. Who here is the decider of that?
Comparison is a killer. Is he/she thinking of you when they kiss you or are they thinking of someone who kisses better?
Sex before marriage gives the reward before the work and responsibility of a mature relationship. Nobody wants the main course (relationship and commitment) if they are already full of dessert.
“Try before you buy” makes out that sex is the ultimate reason for getting married but statistics prove marriages based on great sex do not last based on that alone. Respect, tenderness, gentleness, kindness and personality will all make their way to the top of the priority list over time. Perhaps we shouldn’t get married if we don’t want sex, but neither should we marry just for sex either.
People actually need to LIKE each other. Marriages with disastrous sex can make the grade in marriage with other underpinning values in place. Marriages that cannot include sex (say through disability) can thrive based on love (agape, storge, phileo) , adjustment and remembering a promise.
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Argument for sex out of marriage: “It’s only natural”
Rebuttal: So is burping, urinating and breaking wind. As are lying, justifying, gossiping and being disrespectful. ‘Natural’ does not mean without self control. ‘Natural’ does not mean without limits. ‘Natural' does not mean right.
“It’s only natural” brings sex into the realm of animals - that humans are bound to follow a basic instinct. Sex is designed for a higher purpose between man and wife than that of a pair of dogs on heat.
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Argument for sex out of marriage: “It’s a natural expression of love”
Rebuttal: Agreed. It is. In the right place and with the right person and for the right reasons and in the right circumstances.
Defending the personal RIGHT to have sex as a natural expression of love in fact disqualifies the argument itself.
Love is about the good of another. Most think the opposite of love is hate – but it is not… it is selfishness. Defending personal RIGHTS is about self.
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Argument for sex out of marriage: “It’s my body”
Rebuttal: This is only half true. The Bible tells us we are NOT our own – we were bought at a price. (Bought back from sin by Jesus death and blood). When we give our lives to God – we give the whole person, body, soul and spirit. He is the rightful owner of our body. He has the authority to say how to and how not to use it.
Also sex outside of marriage means another person shares in your sin. Unless married, you have no ownership over the body of another and if married sex is not a sin.
Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body. Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honour God with your body. 1CO 6:18-20
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Argument for sex out of marriage: “It’s my choice”
Rebuttal: Yes. It is.
God gives us all the power and freedom to choose. In everything. He does ask us to choose Life over death. Blessing over cursing. Right over wrong. Right ACTION when feelings lead us in another direction. Jesus prayed the night before He was crucified that this ‘cup’ might be taken from Him – but He chose the will of the Father anyway. Jesus flesh did not desire the cross – he sweat great drops of blood and prayed all night over it – but he chose ultimate Love – our good before His comfort and the will of the Father before His own. He chose righteousness.
But YES it’s our own choice
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Argument for sex out of marriage: “I NEED sex”
Rebuttal: BAA HUMBUG. A need is something you die without. Food, water, warmth, shelter and love are things we die without. Sex is not necessarily love, and sex is not something we die without. Sex is/can be a very strong drive but God asks us to be masters over our feelings rather than be mastered by them. 1 Cor. 6:12b
Having sex is not a requirement to being a whole person – if it was then those who do not/can not for whatever reasons – faith, health or choice – would be a lesser person than the sexually active. Rot.
This also assumes a person may make the same demand in marriage. Again, this is about SELF not love, and it is about as far from the covenant promises of marriage as you can get. (Look up traditional vows and think that through!)
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Argument for sex out of marriage: “Everyone does it”
Rebuttal: No they don’t. Purity is on the rise as people around the world are waking up to the fact that sexual promiscuity is not freedom at all. Movements like “Pure Freedom” and “The Battle Cry” are reaching thousands upon thousands and extend beyond abstinence to purity.
Plus which – right is right even if no one else is doing it, wrong is wrong even if everyone else is doing it.
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Argument for sex out of marriage: “There’s nothing wrong with it”
Rebuttal: This argument is usually delivered very vehemently. Why the need for aggression? There is something very base in us that makes us defend ourselves when we go against things which are seated deeply in our own consciences.
A person that makes this statement has no interest or ability to hear why something IS wrong. You are making clear statements elsewhere about what’s right and wrong – if this argument comes up I would leave it alone and give them something else to chew on.
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Argument for sex out of marriage: “Having a piece of paper and a party doesn’t make any difference”
Rebuttal: Yes it does and no it doesn’t. It doesn’t if all you view getting married as - is a “paper and a party”. If you see marriage as making a covenant promise in the context of community and witnesses - it does make a difference, first in the depth of commitment we are making and also because it takes our promise and makes it public. It connects us to others recognition. It sets the each other apart. It connects us to community that can help and support keeping us accountable to one another and to them. When we let our marriage partner down, we let our community down. Every one of us is helped in faithfulness to decisions and promises when others know about it.
CALLAN: It makes all the difference because it shows them that you loved them enough to wait and that your friend ship is enough to carry you until your ready for a physical relationship.
OTHER POINTS
Quote “A great lover is not a man who pleases many women in his lifetime but one who pleases one woman for the whole of her lifetime”
80% of Australia’s population will at some point in their lives be infected with the HPV virus 1. HPV is the sole cause of ovarian cancer with it’s DNA present in over 99.7% of cases 2. Most don’t know they carry HPV as there may not be any external symptoms, but they still pass it on to others who may. www.abc.net.au
Many who have multiple partners regret this later in life. You never meet people who save themselves for one and regret that.
A sexually pure person will never have the humiliation of being checked or treated for an STD
We are told not to defraud a man in any matter. This means not to take, use or rob another person of something that is rightfully theirs. Now or future. It’s not OK to take your sisters’ birthday present and use it just because it hasn’t been given to her yet.
God says to be pure and when he says something it’s because that is what’s best – not because He’s a kill-joy. For example – when God says He hates divorce it’s because of the gut wrenching, ripping and tearing of that which was joined as one becoming separate again. You might just as well rip off a leg and call it fun. Just one medical fact in the Bible is to do with babies being circumcised on the 8th day. We know now that this is the day a baby’s antibodies are most resistant to disease. God knew this, but the people the instructions were given to - did not. God’s ways do not have to be completely understood by us to remain what is best for us. Health factors for not having sex outside of marriage are enough reason alone (without going into the moral, spiritual, emotional reasons) to do as God recommends.
Sexual impurity means that people bring experience that is not specific or unique in creating a personal history between a couple. It can introduce activities learned from others or elsewhere that is not about the discovery, wonder, respect, love and intimacy of two becoming one. Prior experience means it is about two sets of crowds attempting to work out their baggage and become unified.
Sexual stimulation causes a chemical release in the brain that overshadows everything else. In porn this is like cocaine addiction1. In relationship it overpowers the senses and stops you from getting to know the other person properly in other ways at least until this period of time wears off. This is why we should know if we like them well enough to be committed to them for the rest of our lives before we start sleeping with them. 1 National Catholic Register John Severance interviewing Dr Judith Reisman
Sexual intimacy is intended to be part of the ‘glue’ that holds a couple together. If you save something special… for a time that is special… it remains special. If you sample many exotic wonders eventually they all become mundane. Try eating nothing but a variety of chocolate in a day and then getting excited about chocolate for desert that night.
When you marry without sex beforehand you are free before God and before each other. You never have a sense of guilt pervading this aspect of marriage.
One of the reasons sexually abused people struggle to enjoy sex in marriage is because their senses associate trauma with the experience of sex. When you have known guilt and the worry of being caught this attaches through memory and creates underlying unease.
When you save sex for marriage you never have to worry about the issues of pregnancy and whether or not you are ready for a baby. Even in marriage where a couple decides to wait for children – if the unexpected does happen the commitment and maturity is in place because of the fact they are already married.
Unwanted pregnancy is of course the leading cause for abortion. Duhh. (Cal be prepared in ANY debate that mentions abortion… rape is generally raised as a pro choice argument. Rape victims are an extremely small percentage of abortion statistics and therefore a red-herring as far as debating goes. Be aware there may be rape/abuse survivors in hearing -this means that compassion to the hurting is necessary as well as focus to the task). Abortion is the leading PREVENTABLE KNOWN cause for breast cancer2. It unnaturally interrupts the process of cell change that begin in a woman’s body at the moment of conception. (Miscarriage does not do this as this is a natural process instituted by the woman’s own body). 2www.abortionbreastcancer.com; Book “Pro-Life Answers to Pro-Choice arguments” R. Alcorn
Safe sex is a myth.
Safer sex is also a myth than had to be invented when the safe sex message proved so false. These phrases were invented to give people a sense of freedom to behave as they please sexually. If over 80% population will have HPV in their lifetime – this is clearly a delusion. When new diseases keep on morphing from the old – this is clearly a delusion. (For example a new strain of AIDS that was identified last year progressing in months instead of years. www.bloomberg.com). Monogamous (one man one woman for life) is the ONLY way to be STD free.
Condoms only protect from fluid – not skin borne disease. And only if used 100% correctly 100% of the time without failure (slippage, breakage etc). Most couples if they use them at all will give them up in time. This is as helpful as never having used them at all.
Shifting the goal posts once – “save sex for marriage” means we can shift them again and again anytime we please. We begin a progression that does not stop.
We’re going to get married anyway
We need to see if we’re compatible
It’s a natural expression of love
It’s natural
It’s my right
It’s my body
It’s my choice
I’ll do it when I feel it’s the right time
I’ll do it when I want to
What age is right for me
Age of consent
With whomever I please
Deviations from male/female
Etc etc etc.
Imagine a footy field with goalposts that keep on moving.
Imagine a footy fiend where the goal posts keep getting put wider and wider apart.
Imagine a footy fiend with no goal posts at all. Where is the point of the game?
When you boil it down – God’s will is simple.
His will is… that none should perish… that we get to know Him…His will is… Love, kindness, respect, honesty, preferring one another over ourselves… honour… faithfulness… purity… holiness. Complicated defenses and choices are often a pretty good indicator of whether we are living in the simple will of God.
When I last checked – there were 8 full pages on the internet stating age of consent laws in different countries around the world3. This including male/female; male/male and female/female categories. 3www.avert.org
God doesn’t need 8 pages to say it.
He already said it in 8 simple words.
“Honour the marriage bed and keep it pure” Hebrews 13:4
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The thinking tools from Edward deBono would be a great asset in a classroom setting discussing topics such as these.
Since Adam and Eve first made justification for their sin, peoples from every nation, tribe, tongue, creed and colour have been doing the same. We are naturally bent towards defence, and culturally trained to argue. We can often argue a bad point so well we actually believe it.
The thinking tools from www.edwdebono.com remove the need for self justification by removing the sense of having to defend what we think. By pulling together points that allow for more than just our own knowledge and belief, we unwittingly lay down the mechanisms of defence and enter the thinking process for real.
DeBono tells the story of groups of schoolboys to whom he gives a PMI task (listing points for Positive , Minus, Interesting) on “Paying children $5.00 a week to go to school”. At the outset they mostly hail this as a great idea!!! By the end of the exercise they mostly think it a bad idea. Does anyone have to argue? Convince? Cajole? No. They see it for themselves.
